The book of James has a lot to say about ways words hurt others. It has a lot to say about how we are to “tame the tongue”. In fact, the author calls the tongue “a fire” and “a world of evil”. He says it is “restless”… It “corrupts”… It is “full of deadly poison”… It is itself “set on fire by hell”…
Dang.
At first glance, James’ description of the tongue may seem a bit exaggerated. “Really, James?… The tongue is that bad?” But then, if we take the time to consider the world, we realize pretty quickly that…
Yup. It’s that bad. I mean, where would reality tv be without the drama of hurtful words!?
And, yes, reality tv may seem like a little more than “reality”; but, I think all of us could give testimony to our own realities, in that people can be mean. There is a lot of hate in this world, and it so often comes out through words of slander, bitterness, cursing, anger, threats, criticism, judgment… and more.
Hateful words don’t just exist out there…
Unfortunately, though we would like to think that hurtful words only exist in the outside world, we all know this is not the case. The words that come out of our own mouths can cause so much pain – towards our coworkers, our family members, our friends… perhaps, towards the people we desire to love the most.
And, though we wish it weren’t true…
… perhaps, the most hurtful and offensive words you have suffered have come from the mouths of Christians.
If we took a poll of Christians in this world who have been hurt, and scarred, by the words of a fellow believer… well, the numbers would be up there.
Whether a person is a follower of Jesus or not, “taming the tongue” and controlling the words of our mouths is a challenge for us all.
The Definition of “Trash Talk” from the Book of James…
The tongue also is a fire… and is itself set on fire by hell. ~ James 3:6
The literal word James uses for “hell” is the Greek word “Gehenna”. Gehenna is actually a literal place that everyone in James’ day would have known as “the trash dump”. In Jerusalem, it was on the outskirts of the city, and it was the place where people would literally dispose of their garbage.
It was a fire that never went out, burning up the refuse and filth from people’s lives.
It was a place where wild animals would gather, because they would dig through and feed off of whatever scraps could be found there.
James is literally saying to the people, “Your talk is trashy. You literally have garbage coming out of your mouths.” He is calling out the people with a fairly disgusting image, because their words are neither helpful nor holy. They have dirty, filthy mouths.
Moreover, James goes on to say that the tongue is…
… full of deadly poison. ~ James 3:8b
Dang, James.
The Greek word for this “poison” is literally the venom emitted by serpents. Again, this may seem a bit harsh, but think about it… How do painful words harm our relationships? Is it a speedy death?
True, sometimes we spit out bold-faced daggers. We don’t disguise our words. We simply plunge them into people’s hearts, no holds barred.
However, most of the time, the words that tear down a relationship are not AK-47s. Rather, they are darts… pricks… jabs… The words that most often destroy relationships unfold slowly… over time. They seep in… They build up… They poison us.
And, before we know it, those seemingly little words have penetrated us to our core and we find ourselves in the midst of a relationship that seems beyond repair. But…
… it’s not beyond repair, because we worship a God who restores.
The first step towards restoration is confession. The path to relational renewal is a change in behavior, and that is what James was calling his church to do. “Yes, Church, your words have been poisonous. They have not been helpful. They have trashed others and caused a breakdown amongst yourselves, but… you can change.” We can change.
As you approach this list of ways our words hurt, be honest. What do you do? What do you say? How do you say it?
Three Ways Words Hurt Others:
1. We hurt others with our gossip…
The dictionary defines gossip as “a casual conversation about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed to be true.”
Gossip can be tricky, huh? Cuz, sometimes, when we’re talking about another person, it just doesn’t feel like gossip. I mean, we’re not trying to be vindictive… mean… judgmental. We’re just trying to care about our friends, so we may say something like…
“We really need to pray for [insert friend’s name here]. I don’t know the details, but I heard [insert situation that you don’t fully understand or know].”
… or something like…
“I’m just so thankful for my marriage. You know [insert friend’s name here]? I think she’s [insert way she seems to be struggling in her marriage].”
… or something like…
“[Insert friend’s name here] told me this in confidence, so please don’t say anything, but she really needs our prayers… [Then, proceed to share info about personal details of friend’s life].”
The root of gossip seems harmless. Indeed, in many cases, it can masquerade itself with very good intentions. That is what makes gossip so elusive. It is a poison that can slowly tarnish the reputation of a person’s character, a person’s intentions, a person’s relationships, a person’s dignity…
In his letter, James commands his fellow believers…
Do not speak evil against each other, dear brothers and sisters. If you criticize and judge each other, then you are criticizing and judging God’s law. But your job is to obey the law, not to judge whether it applies to you. ~ James 4:11
2. We hurt others with our grumbling…
Do not grumble against one another… ~ James 5:9
I love the word “grumble”, because it sounds like what it is, ya know? When people grumble, they sound like “Grrrrrr…” When I picture someone grumbling, I imagine their mouth full of rocks… Grimacing face. Furrowed brow. Squinty eyes.
If you don’t like the word “grumble”, you can simply replace it with “complain”.
You know who was great at complaining? The Israelites. Oh goodness, the complaining was constant with them… They were never happy. They could never simply appreciate a situation for what it was. It was always, “Why is it like this?” … and… “Why can’t it be like that?” … and… “It was so much better this way”… and on… and on.
Grumbling is a form of poison, because it taints our perspective of what’s going on around us. It paints a negative picture in our minds. It causes us to wish for something different. It creates a judgmental spirit within us, desiring things to be our way. In essence, grumbling is the opposite of gratefulness.
James’ contemporary, the apostle Paul, had a lot to say about gratefulness. In one of his first letters, 1 Thessalonians, he says this…
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
How can a person rejoice always and, at the same time, complain?…
How can one pray without ceasing and, at the same time, criticize what God is currently doing?…
How can one give thanks in all circumstances and also grumble about how things should be different?…
Humans have a tendency to focus on the negative; however, James calls his church to fight against this temptation, because complaining not only poisons the conversations with those around us, but, perhaps even more so, it poisons the perspectives in our own selves.
3. We hurt others with our passive-aggression…
If you live with… or work with… or know… another human being, you are probably familiar with this form of poison. Passive-aggressive words are, at times, not words at all. Rather, the pain caused by passive-aggression may come in the form of…
Silence… Avoidance… “Huffs and puffs”… The clearing of a throat… The slamming of a door… The stomping of feet up the stairs…
Maybe you’ve had an argument with a person you live with, or work with, and you thought it was over; and yet, there seems to be… something…
A residual feeling of… anger? It’s as if you are walking… on eggshells.
(Or, let’s be honest, perhaps you have not experienced this from another human; however, you are quite a master of it yourself. If so, remember, restoration begins with confession. It’s okay. We’ve all been there.)
In handling one another, James reminded his people…
…the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. ~ James 3:17
Passive-aggression lacks sincerity. Passive-aggression is often about us saying, “I’m fine.” while our non-verbal cues shout, “No, I’m not.”
Sincerity, however, is about our actions matching our feelings. It is a lack of deceit, a lack of hypocrisy. James, as he does often in his book, calls for the believers to make sure that their outward deeds are a reflection of their inward hearts.
… out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. ~ Jesus, Luke 6:45
Words hurt.
We hurt others with our words; and, truly, these same words damage our own selves as well. They break down relationships, often slowly, over time… and, before we know it, a relationship we once valued has become painful and broken.
There are a lot of things that we think in our heads that should never come out of our mouths…
There are a lot of things in our minds that we need to capture and throw out “with the garbage”, if you will…
But, more than anything, we need to be honest with ourselves and recognize that…
… our words are a matter of the heart, and it’s never too late to work on your heart.
So, when you (and I) are about to…
– say something in conflict
– have that difficult conversation
– write that email
– send that text message
– update that status
– make that phone call
May we, before we speak, ask ourselves…
– “Is this loving?”
– ”Will this be helpful?”
– “Does this need to be said?”
– “What if I had someone say this to me, about ME?”
– “Does this uplift and encourage?”
– “Am I being sincere about how I really feel?”
May we more intentionally think before we speak. May we give grace in the gaps, where judgment can often live. And, may we seek out the characteristics of God – the joy, the peace, the mercy, the forgiveness of His Spirit – because…
… when we are seeking Him, the overflow of our hearts will follow.
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to You, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. ~ Psalm 19:14
Written by Danielle Walker
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For more on the power of words, see Words Hurt: One BIG Reminder from the Book of James
To read the book of James, click HERE.
