If you’re like a lot of moms, your “mom guilt” began the minute you found out you were pregnant. Yup, from the minute you peed on that stick, your mind started asking itself, “How well am I taking care of my child?”
And, that question never ends. It simply morphs.
It begins with thoughts like, “What if my deli meat wasn’t heated enough?”… “What if I forget my prenatal vitamins three days in a row?”… “What if I’m too stressed out and it’s affecting my baby?”…
It continues with thoughts like, “Am I feeding my baby the right foods?”… “Am I talking enough to my baby?”… “Am I spoiling my baby?”… “Am I letting my baby ‘cry it out’ too much?”… “Am I not letting my baby ‘cry it out’ enough?”…
“Should I stay at home with my child?”…
“Should I go back to work?”…
“Should I discipline him more?”…
“Should I raise my voice less?”…
“My child is struggling in school. … What am I doing wrong?”
“My child is struggling with friends. … What am I doing wrong?”
“I could have been more patient.”
“I could have been more loving.”
“If only I had said the right words.”
“If only I had done the right thing.”
It’s a plague, friends.
All those thoughts… They are like bricks we stack upon our shoulders, weighing us down. At times, the heaviness of it all can make it hard to simply walk through the day. … It’s ‘mom guilt’, that invisible, unbelievably heavy pressure that every mother carries.
The truth is… we were not meant to carry the guilt of these things.
Here are four things to do when you are caught in a “mom guilt” spiral:
1. Remind yourself that you’re a sinner.
… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. ~ Romans 3:23 ~
We all sin. This is the first essential truth of the Gospel of Jesus, and, perhaps, it’s the first realization we need in our parenting, too.
We aren’t perfect beings. We are weak. We are fallible. We don’t know how to do everything the right way, most especially, the holy way. The Lord God is the only One that fulfills that perfection.
Therefore, when we mess up, we need not be discouraged, nor should we be surprised. Instead, in those moments, we must remind ourselves that what we lack in our parenting is one of the many reasons why we need the strength, mercy, and grace of God. It is in our weaknesses that we remember He is far greater, and wiser, than we could ever be.
Years ago, myself and a friend co-led a Tuesday morning women’s group. (It was the BEST group!) We did a book study through Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living. It’s by the amazing Shauna Niequist, and the Forward is by Brene Brown, whose stuff I LOVE! Check it out for your women’s group or simply for yourself. It’s a great one, full of reminders that will give you strength in your “mom-ing” journey.
2. Stop comparing yourself to other moms.
Recently, I was in a situation where I got onto my child in a public setting, surrounded by many other moms. Though I could have been a bit more patient in my response to him, it had been a very long day, I was emotionally-exhausted, and, honestly, I just wasn’t my “best self” in that moment. The minute I got onto him a bit too harshly, I felt immediate judgment from all around me.
Now, perhaps, I was projecting. Perhaps, they weren’t judging me at all, and, instead, they were rallying for me, inwardly cheering me on for attempting to “teach him a valuable lesson” in the middle of a dodgeball game…
Whatever the case may be, I suddenly found myself comparing my parenting to their parenting. I found myself filled with guilt over how I obviously handled that situation wrong. I carried that guilt for a good 24 hours, thinking about what they would probably do in the same situation… and, here’s the thing, I didn’t even know them!
Why do we let the opinions of others heap guilt onto our shoulders?…
Because we all play “the comparison game”.
How many of us have looked at pictures of others on social media and thought, “I don’t do that with my kids.” or “My kids don’t dress like that.” or “… achieve things like that.” or “… get along like that.”
There is a particular picture I posted years ago. My kids are holding hands, smiling. From an outsider’s perspective, they look like they are the happiest brother and sister there could be. Little does the outsider know, my kids had fought ‘like cats and dogs’, roughly 32 seconds before that picture was taken.
We don’t post reality on social media. We post the highlights.
You know what that means? We only see a glimpse (a tiny one) into the lives of other moms with their children… and, likewise, they only see a glimpse (a tiny one) into our lives as well. We don’t see their whole story, and they don’t see ours.
Take it from the apostle Paul, to the church in Galatia:
Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct. ~ Galatians 6:4-5
Sometimes, the voices (or perceived voices) of other moms can feel so loud in our ears. It can fill us with constant pressure to be a different kind of mom than we were fashioned to be. In these moments, we must remember:
The Lord God’s Voice is the only voice that counts.
You are seen by the most Holy God, and He does not condemn you for your flaws and foibles. He does not compare you to other parents. He created you. He knows you. He entrusted your children to you, and His opinion is the only one that matters.
3. Consider the “big picture”.
Not every kind of guilt is bad guilt. Some types of guilt can be helpful, because they convict us of things we need to recognize, and they lead us down a path towards change.
For instance, I began to notice that I was often getting impatient with my daughter during our nighttime routine. I was rushing her to get into bed. I was trying to place a nice, pretty “bow” on the end of the day; however, I began to realize that the comfort of her bed sometimes helped her open up to me, telling me things about her day that may have been difficult for her or processing tough questions she had been thinking about during her day.
As I recognized this pattern of impatience in me, it caused me to consider “the big picture”. It caused me to ask myself the question, “What is more important? That she go to bed on time, quickly, in order to stick with our routine?… or that she be able to reflect on her day, and recognize me as a ‘safe space’, in case she needs to talk about something her brain is trying to comprehend?”
Do I still get impatient with her, at times, when she is obviously procrastinating sleep? Sure; however, my impatience has also shrunk in size, because I’m consciously giving her the space to share her thoughts with me before the day is done.
When we feel guilt over our parenting, sometimes we need to ask ourselves: “Is there a pattern here?”
If we are finding ourselves having similar guilt over how we handle a situation, time and time again, then we may simply need to ask ourselves, “What is the ‘big picture’ of this situation? Is there somethimg I need to be recognizing in myself, or in my child, that may need more intentional focus and care?”
We tend to feel “mom guilt” in all kinds of situations, and many of those are one-time occurances that come today and are gone tomorrow; however, some of our guilt may stem from a pattern that we could actually work to change; and, as Christians who are to be constantly in the state of growing in our walk with Jesus Christ, our pattern of guilt may be a wonderful opportunity to rethink an area of our parenting.
As Paul encouraged the church in Rome:
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. ~ Romans 12:2
4. Forgive yourself (& let it go).
The Lord God knows that we mess up. The Lord God knows that not one day will go by where we will get everything “right” in our parenting. Here is the good news:
The Lord God is prepared, and fully able, to use all of our mistakes for the good of our kids.
So, in whatever ways you feel you have messed up – big or small – may you remind yourself, time and time again, that we worship a God who restores, reconciles, and mends together what is broken. He is the fixer of all things, not us.
Therefore, when you feel guilt pressing upon your shoulders, may you intentionally seek to give yourself His grace and let it go.
Just as the Lord God forgives our other sins, He is quick to forgive our foibles and flaws in parenting as well.
Whether we mess up big or mess up little, He is ready to give us a fresh start, a new day, another chance.
If the Lord God is quick to forgive us when we make mistakes, how much quicker should we be to forgive ourselves? He does not hold our sins against us, nor should we.
Parenting is a process. It is about constantly growing and changing; and, when we focus our lives on Him, the “founder and perfecter of our faith” (Hebrews 12:2), then we are able to release more and more of our guilt, and place our trust in Him, because we know He is able to handle… to mend… to fix… to restore… to reconcile… to transform… to use… anything and any person for His glorious purposes. His plans will not be thwarted.
May we cling to His Word, and, no matter our imperfections, may we pray for our kids, as Paul wrote to the Christians in Philippi:
I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters… ~ Philippians 1:9-10a
Written by Danielle Walker
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For more on parenting, read Christian Parenting: 3 Crucial Teachings to Instill in our Children
For more on giving grace to yourself, watch Stop Condemning Yourself! He is a God of GRACE