We are wounded people. All of us have been hurt, harmed, or mistreated in some way (perhaps, many ways)… and, in many situations, we may find ourselves inwardly screaming, “How do I forgive that?!” Below are Five E’s that will help you break the chains of unforgiveness and, instead, introduce you to a life of freedom.
But first things first… what is God like?
Psalm 86:5 says, “For You, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.”
No doubt, the Lord God is a forgiving Father. He is merciful. He is kind. His compassions never fail. All you have to do is type “scriptures about forgiveness” into your search bar, and you will be flooded with evidence of this attribute of God.
(And, in fact, this “abounding love” is the exact reason the prophet Jonah, in the Old Testament, did not want to go to Nineveh, his people’s enemy, and proclaim God’s message to them. Jonah accused God of being too quick to forgive!)
Because God is full of forgiveness, we, as those who worship Him, are called to forgive as well. … Easier said than done, right?
(Again, just ask Jonah.)
People can be evil… malicious… self-seeking…
They can abuse and assault…
They throw daggers and stab you in the back.
You may have been hurt… really hurt.
You may have been harmed… neglected… abandoned…
You may have been cheated on… lied to… stolen from…
You may have suffered abuse… assault… manipulation… slander…
You may have fallen prey to someone else’s rage.
For certain, you have been wounded. That is the story of us all, in our own particular ways. This world is broken.
And yet, we are called to forgive.
As you walk through each of these E’s, may you be filled with some kind of hope, because forgiveness frees. May this be the beginning of breaking chains for you…
1. Examine yourself.
Ask yourself: “Do I really want to forgive him?”… or “her?”
This is the first question you must face when starting down the path of forgiveness. It may (or may not) sound crazy to you, but the truth may be… You simply don’t want to forgive the person who harmed you.
Here are some reasons why you may find yourself unwilling to forgive:
- Withholding forgiveness and holding onto the pain helps you feel like you are protecting yourself from more harm.
- Refusing to relinquish the anger, and treating them in an unforgiving way, makes you feel like you are “teaching them a lesson” they need to learn.
- Keeping a record of their wrongs helps you feel like you won’t get hurt by them again.
- Forgiving them would make you feel like a “doormat”, allowing yourself to be treated badly, instead of defending yourself.
- They have expressed no feelings of remorse; therefore, they have done nothing to earn your forgiveness.
- Their mistreatment of you has not come to an end. It is ongoing.
If you have wrestled with some of these thoughts, you are not alone. These reasons can feel very justified when we have been wounded.
However…
… we are deceiving ourselves when we think these things.
Withholding forgiveness doesn’t actually protect us… defend us… “teach them a lesson”… or keep us from getting hurt again.
Rather, withholding forgiveness simply keeps us bound… chained… tied down… strapped to… the person that did us harm. Being unwilling to forgive handcuffs us to the words and actions of that other person, and keeps us from being free.
Forgiveness says, “It doesn’t matter what you have done, or what you will do, because I am not a slave to your actions.” Forgiveness says, “Who you are, and the decisions you have made, will not affect who I am and how I live.” See…
Forgiveness is not about what the other person has done. Forgiveness is about the kind of person you are.
So, answering this question is the first step on the road. Do you want to forgive them? If so, let’s keep going… freedom awaits.
2. Expand your perspective.
A key component of forgiveness can be found in what Jesus utters from the cross shortly after being crucified. He is naked, beaten, bleeding, and struggling for air; and yet, with his labored breath, he prays:
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” ~ Luke 23:34
Who was “them”?! Who was Jesus asking forgiveness for?
- Was it the Pharisees and scribes, who had been after him for literal years of his ministry, trying to trap him in his words to accuse him of treason or blasphemy?
- Was it the Romans, who celebrated this wretched form of torture, first flogging him with whips and mocking him with a crown of thorns?
- Was it the Jewish crowd, who first praised him at the gates of Jerusalem with palm branches; yet then, with the same voices, four days later, shouted “Crucify him!” at the top of their lungs?
- Was it his disciples, who, though they had followed him devotedly for the last three years, turned and fled in the moment of his greatest need?
- Was it the soldiers, who, ignorant to the suffering of a man just a few feet away, would play a game of dice just moments later, to see who would “win” his clothes?
OR…
- Was it everyone? Was Jesus asking forgiveness for every person who had contributed (or would) in some way to his horrid, excruciating pain and death?
I think the answer is: Yes.
On that day, as Jesus was hanging, in pain, on the cross, his heart offered forgiveness:
- To those who trapped him.
- To those who flogged him.
- To those who mocked him.
- To those who condemned him.
- To those who denied him.
- To those who demeaned him.
- To those who killed him.
In the midst of his pain, Jesus forgave.
Why? How?
Because, as he acknowledged to his Father in heaven, none of those people truly knew what they were doing.
Now, you may say, “Of course they knew!! How can you flog someone and not know?! How can you yell ‘Crucify’ and not understand?! How can you mock and make fun of and not recognize what you’re doing?!”
Think deeper.
They didn’t know. They know not what they do.
The person who hurt you… They don’t get it. They don’t understand.
Now, maybe you think, “How could they not get it?! How could they not understand?! They have to know what they did!”
Yes, they may be able to recognize their actions; but, just as the people around Jesus didn’t truly understand the ramifications of their actions, and don’t see the “big picture” of what they have done, the people who hurt us don’t either.
We must remember, people have…
- Different wounds.
- Different childhoods.
- DIfferent experiences.
- Different brains.
- Different opinions.
- Different personalities.
- Different values.
- Different motivations.
- Different temptations.
People are broken, in all kinds of different ways… in ways that you and I will never see. And, that brokenness causes a lot of pain, but that doesn’t mean that the person hurting you truly gets it.
Expanding your perspective is about acknowledging that there is a lot going on in that person that you nor I will ever see, or know.
Expanding your perspective is about acknowledging that people don’t truly realize the repercussions of their actions.
Expanding your perspective is about acknowledging that, though a person has hurt us… offended us… wounded us… we are also not innocent. They are not perfect, and neither are we.
We all need the forgiveness of the Father.
We may not hurt others like that person hurts others, but all of us are in need of forgiveness from someone; and, most especially, from the One Who Is Perfect.
3. Eliminate adverse thoughts.
Once we seek to widen our perspective and recognize that there is a “bigger picture” to our forgiveness, we then need to put into practice some practical ways to forgive.
Forgiveness is a daily choice. It is a constant decision to spend the energy of your mind and heart not on anger, bitterness, frustration, or spite towards that other person; but, rather, to spend your energy on the life you want to create, despite (and apart from) the actions of that individual.
Eliminating adverse thoughts is about capturing certain ways of thinking that may be preventing our success to forgive.
Forgiveness is about breaking the chains of anger, resentment, envy, or whatever other negative feelings we have towards the given person; and, in order to break those chains…
… we have to be more intentional with the thoughts in our heads.
When thinking about the person you are unable to forgive, ask yourself:
- “How often do I ‘re-live’ the offense in my mind?”
- “How often do I bring up the offense to friends or family?”
- “Do I ever find myself dwelling on the offense when my mind is supposed to be ‘at rest’?” (i.e. when driving the car, falling asleep at night, or doing mundane tasks throughout the day)
- “Do I ever find myself bringing up the offense to the person who has offended me?”
At the core of these questions is this…
“Is what I’m thinking about helping me forgive OR is it hindering me from truly choosing forgiveness?”
Think of it this way: Every time you relive… dwell on… bring up… the person’s offense, it is as if you are picking up those shackles and locking them onto your wrists, binding yourself to that person all over again.
When it comes to forgiveness, our “thought life” can be our greatest blessing or our greatest curse.
Consider these two passages, which the apostle Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus and Philippi…
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others us… Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as in Christ God forgave you. ~ Ephesians 4:29-32
… Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable… think about such things. ~ Philippians 4:8
4. Employ Boundaries.
Sometimes, there is a misconception that forgiving someone is giving that person permission to hurt us time and time again. As if forgiving a person is a way of forfeiting our own rights and becoming a slave to the other person’s mistreatment of us. “If I forgive them, then I am allowing them the ability to do more harm.”
Jesus actually addresses this in his second most famous sermon, The Sermon on the Plain:
But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. ~ Luke 6:27-28
Notice, nowhere in this scripture does Jesus command us to continue in a relationship with the person that has done us harm.
In fact, the responses he tells us to have towards those who hurt us do not even require them to be in the room!
~ We are called to “love” them… which is the Greek word “agape”, meaning that we desire the best life God has for them. We desire them to find healing and salvation. We want them to know God. However, to “love” in the “agape” way does not require us to put ourselves in a friendship, relationship, or position that could damage our body, mind, or spirit.
~ We are called to “do good” to them… Again, this does not require us to drop off a casserole every time we hear they are having a bad day. Rather, Jesus would say, if/when we do find ourselves in a situation with this person, treat them with kindness and with respect. Treat them as you would want to be treated. (Jesus said that, too.) However, this does not require you to share details about your life with them… have any kind of intimate conversation with them… make plans to eat brunch together the next week. When you must be with them, treat them well. That is the only obligation. No further intimacy needed.
~ We are called to “bless” them… This Greek word may seem obvious. It is “to speak well” of someone. Obviously, the opposite of bless is to “curse”, to speak ill-will and condemn. Again, Jesus is not asking us to “sing the praises” of the one who has burned us; however, though Jesus didn’t say it, I think he would agree, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Better to say nothing about a person than to spout slanderous, bitter, and hateful words. Besides, all those words do is come out of your mouth and go right back into your thoughts, which are not productive in the success of forgiveness.
~ We are called to “pray” for them… We are called to say their name to God. And, when we pray, we can ask our Father in heaven to help us forgive them… help us protect our minds from them… help us discern the best boundaries we need to set with them… help us want the best life for them. Again, no tangible relationship between you and that person is mandatory. These prayers are between you and your Father God, who helps us learn to forgive when we ask it of Him.
Let’s recap…
Examine yourself. Discern whether or not you are ready to forgive. When you are willing, start the path to forgiveness. Break the chains that are binding you to that other person and begin to live freely.
Expand your perspective. Remember that all people are broken, each in their own specific ways; and yet, God sees the struggles, the reasons, and the experiences that none of us can see. If He can forgive, knowing what He knows, then we can also forgive, acknowledging that there is so much we don’t fully understand.
Eliminate adverse thoughts. Begin capturing your thoughts. Do not allow yourself to relive, rehash, or dwell in the offenses of others. Change your line of thinking, asking yourself, “Is what I am thinking helping me walk the road towards forgiveness?”
Employ Boundaries. We are not called to be “doormats”. We are not required to be best friends with those who harm us. We may need to engage with them “from a distance”. We may need to build a fence between our lives and theirs. These are important boundaries. We are called to love, to do good, to bless, and to pray for those who mistreat us, but that does not require us to put ourselves in harm’s way.
And, the last E…
5. Embrace your new day.
Accept this new way of life – a life not filled with the negative or painful thoughts associated with your offender.
Enjoy living without the shadow of that individual hanging over your head, like a rain cloud on an otherwise sunny day.
Envision yourself, daily, taking off the chains that bound you to them. You will no longer expend energy on their actions, their motivations, or their thoughts. Rather, your actions, your thoughts, your day, and your life will be about what you want, independent of what they do or say.
Relish in this freedom.
When you do, this is what will happen…
~ On a day where those bitter and angry thoughts try to sneak back into your head (which they might), you will be able to stand against them, capture them, and say, “No. I’m not going there. I refuse to be bound again to that past life. I have chosen to forgive.”
and
~ On a day where you may have to see that person, spend time with them, or interact in some way, you will be able to fight against the past and say to yourself, “I now know what it is like to live freely, apart from what this person does or says to me. I choose life. I choose forgiveness.” And, when that interaction is over, may you be able to wipe the dust off your feet and continue on your merry way. (Jesus said that, too.)
Forgiveness is not always a walk in the park. It is often a difficult, uphill climb; but, at the top of that hill, the view is glorious.
It is worth it. It is freedom.
Dear friends, may you find the strength and the power to forgive. In Him, you can do all things. He is the God of making things “new”!
Written by Danielle Walker
For more about how to navigate this hard life with others:
Read How to Love Our Enemies: What Jesus’ Words REALLY Mean…
Read What Does Grace Look Like? 3 Biblical Examples
Watch Boundaries: How to Love Your Enemies and Protect Your Mental Health AT THE SAME TIME
Watch God’s Grace in a World That Earns Love
