If anyone tells you that marriage is easy, they are lying. Sure, it has it’s easy seasons, and some are certainly easier than others, but let us not deceive ourselves. All marriages have challenges and struggles! Think about it: Two people – from different homes, with different childhood experiences, different personalities, different brains, different traditions, different ideas of right and wrong – joined together, in order to build one life. For this reason, it’s always good to critically think about how our own side of that 2-piece equation is going. So, this blog is about posing the question to ourselves, “How can I love my spouse better?”
But first, “The Love Chapter”…
Around AD 53, the apostle Paul wrote a letter to the church in Corinth, a city once located in south-central Greece. In case you don’t know much about the church in Corinth, I’m here to tell ya… It was a big, fat mess. From the apostle Paul’s letter, we can gather that the church was dealing with a long list of indiscretions, including…
- cliques
- promiscuity
- lawsuits
- arguments over food
- arguments over worship attire
And, the list goes on…
Similar to every marriage, there was dysfunction going on. Marriage is made up of two imperfect people, and the church is full of ’em, so, obviously indiscretions are present in both.
Now, perhaps you don’t argue with your spouse about the same “food arguments” Corinth dealt with, but you might find yourself disagreeing with your spouse about what to eat for dinner, how to load the dishwasher, or who’s in charge of cooking on busy nights.
The church in Corinth wasn’t perfect, and our marriages aren’t either. However…
… the church of Corinth was also filled with many gifts and many ways that the Holy Spirit was working within and through them. So, in response to this dichotomous situation, Paul zeros in on the characteristic of the church (and, indeed, of any relationship) that is to be of utmost importance: Love.
Hence, 1 Corinthians 13 has become known as “The Love Chapter”.
It’s probably the #1 scripture used in weddings. Granted, Paul did not actually write it for a wedding, but it is as applicable to the marital union as it is to the corporate church. Indeed, the church is called “the bride of Christ”, and marriage is meant to serve as a reflection of God’s relationship with his people – the sacrificial, selfless, and loving relationship it is to be.
In these thirteen verses, Paul yearns to help bridge the issues that divide us in a beautiful way. Paul writes, “Look, friends, there are many different kinds of people in the family of God, in the Body of Christ. You don’t have to always agree about what to wear. You don’t have to always agree on how to do this thing or that thing. There is room here for your diversity. Your family contains different kinds of people, with different personalities and gifts, and we are called to celebrate that!”
As Paul wrote in the chapter before…
If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? ~ 1 Corinthians 12:17-18
In essence, Paul is saying, “We don’t need a church where everybody is the same – where everybody thinks the same and works the same. The Lord’s design for the church is a family made up of all kinds of people, with different brains and different callings, and yet, unified.” How are they unified?!… Because of their love for each other.”
Likewise, we don’t need a marriage where everybody is the same – where spouses think the same and work the same.
The Lord’s design for marriage is a union of two people, with different brains and different callings, and yet, unified. How are they unified?!… Because of their love for each other.
The problem is… stuff gets in the way. Laundry and dishes and yard work and pets and children and mortgages and car toubles and habits and griefs and struggles and job loss and in-laws and… yup, the list is long. Really long.
In the midst of these daily hassles, hiccups, obstacles, and indiscretions, I have realized…
Three motives at the core of arguments, struggling, and strife:
Here they are (in no particular order):
1. “I want what I want.”
Anybody ever want what they want?… If I’m truly honest with myself, my answer is a definite, “I do!” Though I hate the word that I’m about to say, this is the motive of… selfishness.
“I want it the way I want it. I like it the way I like it.” I can be an incredibly selfish person.
- I want my week to go how I want it to go.
- I want my time spent the way I want it spent.
- I want my sleep.
- I want the people closest to me to do what I want them to do.
Now, that may not come out externally all the time. I may successfully hide that, or suppress that, or fight against that throughout my day, but, no doubt, that selfishness is in me. Do you see that in yourself as well?
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy… It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered… ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
I want what I want, and I have to intentionally “die to myself” every day, because it’s not my first instinct to think of someone else over thinking about me. As the apostle Paul writes a little earlier in his letter to Corinth…
No one should seek their own good, but the good of others. ~ 1 Corinthians 10:24
Does my selfishness keep me from loving others well sometimes? Yes. Does it sometimes cause me to lose my patience, get easily angered, or do other things that are the opposite of love? Most definitely.
It’s not an awesome characteristic, but it is a characteristic of being human, and recognizing it as a motive can help us. In moments of marital discord, realizing it can convict us of what true love for another person is called to be. It’s not about what I want. It’s about strengthening the relationship between myself and my spouse, and helping them feel well-loved by me.
2. “I’m afraid.”
A second motive that we all have in us (though, we may go to great lengths to hide it) is the motive of fear. “I’m afraid… [you feel in the blank here].”
Now, there is a healthy kind of fear. For instance, scripture calls us to fear the Lord, acknowledge that the Lord is Almighty and All-Powerful, and, in that fear, we are drawn to obey Him; but, there is also a motive of unhealthy fear that can drive us to do things for self-preservation or self-defense.
This kind of fear can feel like…
- “I’m losing control of this.”
- “What if this happens?”
- ”What if this person abandons me?”
- “What if they stop loving me?”
… and these fears can motivate us to do certain things, or handle certain situations, in ways that are not healthy or productive. These fears can cause us to make decisions out of fear, rather than love.
We can convince ourselves that acting out of fear is what will protect us, give us hope, and help us persevere…
… but fear doesn’t do that. Fear is a liar.
Love always protects. Love always trusts. Love always hopes. Love always perseveres. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:7
Love does not let fear win.
Scripture actually says, written by the disciple John in his older age…
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. ~ 1 John 4:18
Love rids us of fear. It extinguishes it.
However, as I can testify (since I tend to be a very fearful person), this motive is extremely hard to lay aside. If you have suffered abuse… If you grew up in a home filled with unhealthy fear… If you simply have a personality that lends itself to anxiety and fear… training your mind to lay aside fear can feel impossible.
Nevertheless, fear and love do not belong together. If you struggle with fear, I encourage you to seek out biblical or professional counseling, to help you work through the fear that may be keeping you from loving (or feeling loved) well.
* Note: If you are fearful because of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse in your marriage, please remember, you are not called to stay in abusive relationships. Loving yourself is of utmost importance. If you are living in this kind of fear, reach out. You are not alone. Contact the Domestic Violence Support Hotline HERE.
3. “I want to be right.”
A third motive that often lives within each of us is the motive to be “right”. This motive can drive us to say things… to do things… to write things… to treat people in a demeaning or critical way… because “winning” the argument has taken the place of cultivating a loving relationship.
This motive causes us to lose focus of the big picture. It causes us to prioritize being “right” (and making sure that other person realizes we are “right”) over creating a safe and open place for discussion and disagreement in the marriage.
This motive might be the most detrimental motive…
- in our marriage
- in our parenting
- in our work relationships
- in our social media relationships (if you can call those relationships)
(In all honesty, it may be the motive most detrimental to the church. This self-righteousness and pride can look like, “We know what the truth is. We know how to read this book. We know what God meant. We know what God wants.”)
In these moments, we must remember that being “right” is not a requirement in marriage, or in loving others. As Paul wrote…
Love is patient, love is kind… it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
We must recognize in ourselves that, often, trying to prove that we are “right” tends to make us impatient, unkind, boastful, proud… It causes us to dishonor our spouse with our words… It may make us easily angered… and it absolutely keeps a record of wrongs.
We have to fight against the motive of wanting to be right.
We are not called to be right. We are called to love well.
Several years after Paul wrote this letter to the Corinthians, Paul would write a letter to a church in Ephesus, and he would offer them the guidance of, “… speak the truth in love…”. In a nutshell, Paul’s point (just as in “The Love Chapter”) is, “Whatever you say, even if it’s 100% absolutely true, if it’s not coming from a place of love, it’s not gonna take.”
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:1
Have you ever been around a child that is banging together pots and pans cuz it’s so fun?… Yup, it’s a piercing sound. Paul’s like, “If you don’t have love in your tone, in your words, in your demeanor, in your soul, for that other person, your words will be nothing.” They will not be helpful. They will not be heard. They’ll just sound like noise.
Whatever the current issues are in our marriages, we must remember: We see in a mirror dimly.
- We don’t see everything.
- We don’t have the mind of God.
- We don’t have all the answers. (We’re not meant to.)
- We ALL have very fallible minds.
The Lord knows all of this about us.
I think that’s why Jesus, and Paul as well, was so big on reminding us that our job in this world – and, most especially, in our daily, significant relationships – is to love well.
Trying to love others, and seeking to put aside all other motives, is a big enough job for any of us. We are called to focus on that.
God is taking care of, and will take care of, everything else.
The night Jesus was betrayed and arrested, hours before his crucifixion, Jesus’ final words to his closest friends were this…
…Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. ~ John 13:34-35
Our marriages are meant to be a reflection of Christ’s love for us. It’s difficult, friends. It ain’t always easy to love the people right in front of us, but may we pursue loving well above all things. May we strive to make love our primary motive.
Written by Danielle Walker
For more about how to navigate our most important relationships…
Watch The Love Chapter & God’s Will for My Life [1 Corinthians 13]
Read What Does Grace Look Like? 3 Biblical Examples
Read How Do I Forgive? The Five E’s That Will Break Chains & Bring Freedom