Parenting is not for the faint of heart, nor is Christian parenting. As a Christian who feels the need not only to raise them but raise them in the ways of Christ, it is quite pressure-filled! Below are 3 crucial teachings to instill in your children as they grow up, before they enter the “real world” for themselves; and, all of these can start now – whatever the age your children may be.
Do remember, to instill is a gradual process. It means “to gradually but firmly establish an idea or attitude, especially a desirable one, in a person’s mind”.
To instill these 3 crucial teachings into our children is a marathon, not a sprint…
So, wherever your kids are in this process, do not fret. Just begin, one foot in front of the other.
Also, check out the resources throughout the blog. You’re not alone in your parenting struggle. Instilling these is a process for us all.
1. Teach them to honor authority.
We all answer to someone. Indeed, it is part of the order God knit into the world, from the beginning of creation.
As Colossians says…
For in him all things were created… whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him…. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. ~ Colossians 1:16-18
Indeed, as scripture proclaims, one day “every knee will bow…” (Isaiah 45:23) We are commanded to have a healthy respect and reverence for the Lord God, but…
… we cannot expect to have a healthy respect and reverence for the Lord God, if we haven’t learned how to have a healthy respect and reverence for others in authority as well.
During the beginning of creation, the Lord God knit together an order of authority for humanity, and it begins with the family unit. As one of Moses’ “Top Ten” commandments says…
Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. ~ Exodus 20:12
As children, learning to honor the authority of our mother and father is a way that we learn to respect the God-given order, and it is meant to help us understand the overarching honor we are meant to have for the Supreme Authority in our lives, being the Lord God.
Instilling honor towards authority in our children also…
1. Teaches them humility
“You don’t know all the answers, dear child. There is someone above you that is more educated, more seasoned, more wise.”
2. Teaches them boundaries
“You are not your own master, dear child. There are certain things you cannot do, and you must respect the guardrails put in place by someone above you.”
3. Teaches them to value the safety of themselves, and others
“No, dear child, you cannot run that red light. You may think it is a silly place for one, but you don’t make the rules. And, even though you cannot see all the reasons, honoring their authority keeps yourself, and those around you, safe.”
Now, let’s not be naive… there are a lot of unhealthy authority figures in this world.
We don’t want our kids obeying every adult, or authority, over them just because that person happens to be “in charge”. This is why part of teaching them obedience to authority is teaching them the ability to discern between healthy authority and unhealthy authority.
Some questions you can pose to your child, for them to think about might be:
- Does this authority figure have my best interests at heart?
- Does this authority figure genuinely care for me?
- Is this authority figure seeking to protect individuals, or groups of people, from harm?
If the answer is “Yes”, these are authority figures that our children most likely need to honor and obey. However…
- Is this authority figure asking me to do something against my morals or beliefs?
- Is this authority figure placing me in a mentally or physically unsafe situation?
- Am I leery of this authority figure because of questionable decisions I have seen when we have been together?
If the answer is “Yes”, these authority figures are, most likely, people that our children should learn to steer clear of, instead seeking authority from those adults that they can trust.
Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
If you feel that your children currently struggle with honoring the authority figures in their lives, brainstorm one or two ways you can begin instilling this crucial teaching into their lives.
Perhaps you begin with manners… In what situations can you begin instructing them to say, “Yes, ma’am”, “Please”, “Thank you”, etc.?
Perhaps you begin with acts of service… Is there an older relative, neighbor, or church member that they could help in some way?
2. Teach them to identify temptation
Temptation comes to us all. Each of us feels pulled towards certain ways to disobey, and stray, from the Lord God’s purposes.
- Eve was tempted by food.
- Balaam was tempted by greed.
- Peninnah was tempted by jealousy.
- Jonah was tempted by hate.
- Saul was tempted by power.
- David was tempted by attraction.
And the list goes on… What are you often tempted by?
Perhaps it is one of the above.
Perhaps it is a temptation to lie, to gossip, to cheat, to act out in anger…
Perhaps you’re tempted towards an unhealthy habit… towards being divisive to get your way… towards fitting in… towards “keeping up with the Joneses”…
We all have our temptations. We’re human.
Our kids have their temptations, too, and, as they grow, it is crucial that they begin learning what they are.
You are their parent, so you’ll probably recognize their temptations before they do.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself about your child:
- In what situations does it seem hardest for him/her to obey?
- Is he/she strongly drawn to anything that could become an unhealthy habit?
- Is there anything – item, friendship, situation – that he/she has tried to hide from me in the past?
- In what situations might I find it difficult to trust him/her?
Answering these questions honestly doesn’t betray the beauty or goodness of your child. It merely helps a parent face the truth, which is that we all, including our children, struggle with something [ok, many things, to be honest].
How important it is for us to recognize the good and the bad in our children, so that we can intentionally teach them to steer away from choices that will not benefit who they were created to be.
Think about the very first temptation. Did the Lord God release the first man and woman into the garden without giving them any wise council? No! The Lord God knew them. He told them exactly what tree to stay away from, and He told them what would happen if they didn’t.
And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.” ~ Genesis 2:16-17
Helping our children realize their temptations sets them up for success in a world full of “trees”.
Now, truth be told, your job, as their parent, is to teach them about the temptations and the trees; however, (and this is the hardest realization for any parent to accept), even with all the knowledge you give, your child may still choose to disobey. Eve did. Adam did. We all succumb at times.
Your job, as their parent, is to simply instill… guide… teach… lead. Your child will reach an age where he/she will choose their own decisions, and their own life. That’s how God designed us to work. However, you will know that you “ran the race” with intentionality. God’s grace towards you will fill in the gaps. Remember…
The Lord God is the most perfect parent; and yet, He has the most rebellious kids.
You are not alone.
As you think through a few temptations that your child may struggle with, brainstorm one or two ways you can begin talking to them about how to recognize those temptations when they come.
Perhaps, start a discussion like…
- “I’ve noticed when you are in [a given situation], it’s hard for you to listen to what I’m asking of you. Have you noticed that?… Why do you think that is?”
- “It seems that you’re drawn to [particular] friends. What do you like most about them?… Is there anything about them that bothers you?”
- “I’ve found that you often talk about [this], and I’m wondering if it might have a stronger hold on you than it should. What might be some other ways you might want to spend your time?”
Again, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Start small discussions… Throw out a question here or there… Then, when the door is opened to have a bigger conversation, you’ll be ready.
3. Teach them to monitor their thoughts
Most of us do not focus enough on our “thought life”; and yet, we are told, time and again throughout the scriptures, that temptation, sin, anxiety, worry, slander, and all other types of evil begin in the mind and heart.
For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. ~ Luke 6:45
To combat the bad thoughts that can often swirl around in our minds, the apostle Paul spoke to the church in Corinth and the church in Philippi, saying…
… take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. ~ 1 Corinth 10:5
…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ~ Philippians 4:8
It is crucial for us to help our children learn what they need to be thinking about… and what thoughts they need to “capture”, lock up in a box, and cast into the sea.
When my daughter was little, I would give her this image, because she has the temptation (see Essential #2) to imagine and dwell on things that only lead her down a path of fear and worry.
“Capture that thought. Imagine that you’re locking it in a box. Then, toss that key and that box as far into the sea as you can picture.” I would say.
“But, mommy,” she would retort, “that box keeps floating back towards me and jumping back into my brain!”
“Then, you keep locking it up, sweet one. Don’t stop capturing it. Don’t give up. Don’t let that thought live in your head. It doesn’t belong there.”
It is a challenge, for all of us. Indeed, our imaginations get the best of us, as do worrisome situations that we can’t seem to let go.
Anxiety-invoking phrases take up residence in our brains.
They pitch tents and start setting small campfires with phrases like…
- “What if… [this horrible thing happens].”
- “I’m not good enough because… [something you feel you’re lacking].”
- “I still can’t believe… [relive a past offense that hurt you].”
Inadequacy.
Unforgiveness.
Doubt.
Fear.
Worry.
Hatred.
Slander.
Jealousy.
Anger.
Self-worth.
All of these begin in the mind.
Teaching our children how to monitor their thoughts helps equip them with the tools they need to manage their emotional and mental health.
Guiding them in the connection between their actions and their thoughts can have a radical effect on their future, and on their day-to-day life, because…
Self-worth.
Forgiveness.
Faith.
Trust.
Gratefulness.
Love.
Kindness.
Joy.
Peace.
All of these begin in the mind, too.
Here are some questions you can ask your child, when it comes to guiding them in their thought life:
- “When you are lying in bed at night, what do you find yourself thinking about?”
- “Do you say negative things to yourself about who you are?… What kinds of things do you say?”
- “Is there a situation that keeps bothering you?… How could we think about it differently?”
- “When you are having bad thoughts, what good things could you think about instead? Let’s make a short list of things you enjoy thinking about.”
Once again, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
The goal is to begin replacing the negative thoughts with thoughts that are “noble… right… pure… lovely”. The aim is that, over time, as our children continue to cast that “locked box” into the sea, it will no longer float back to them as quickly… or at all.
Lastly, and most importantly…
Intentional parenting is a vital part of a child’s physical, mental, and emotional growth; however…
We can’t instill in our children something we don’t have in ourselves.
As an older, wiser friend once quoted his young son saying, “Don’t tell me, daddy. Show me.”
So, ask yourself:
- “In what way may I need to work on honoring the authority figures in my own life?” (The healthy authority figures, that is.)
- “In what way may I need to identify temptation in my own life?”
- “In what ways may I need to more intentionally capture my thoughts and better monitor how I speak to myself?”
* Bonus Idea:
If your children are at an age where you can be honest with them about your own struggles in these areas, tell them about it! It may create deep conversations and plant seeds for these essentials to grow in them as they see them growing in you!
Written by Danielle Walker
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For more about how to navigate this hard life with our children, watch [Christian Parenting] One BIG Way to be Intentional with Our Kids and Helping Our Kids Suffer Well
